Part Two:Downs and Ups

The word was spreading fast through family and friends.  We started getting a flood of texts and phone calls of love, prayers and thoughts.  it was helpful to see the outpouring of concern for us.  People brought in food and gifts.  Even if we couldn't enjoy them at the time, every gift was brought with love, and we felt that.  The food and gifts surrounded us like a hug.  Hudson couldn't eat, therefore, I couldn't eat.  I wouldn't eat in front of him, because he wanted to so bad.  And even when I stepped out of the room, I couldn't swallow if I tried.  My family decided to fast this day for him.  After seeing how terrible he was doing my mom went home and sent out a family text.  Anyone that was willing, they were beginning a family fast.  An in-law had just finished playing basketball and resisted the urge to get a drink.  This was a sacrifice for each of them, but they all in their own way chose to do this for him.  That means so much to us.  My little sister Sierra came and others throughout the day; each of them would have food for me, trying to help me eat so I could feel better, but I just couldn't do it.  So I would offer my food to everyone, Jackson kept reminding me, they can't have it, they are fasting.
My little brother Kaden went in and talked with him, and showed him legos, my sister sat with him and then came into the waiting room and talked with me.  It had been enough hours that he would need another catheter if he didn't go pee again.  I asked Hudson if he wanted to pray for the help again and he said, "but mom, it didn't work last time" I said maybe if he said the prayer, it would work.  He agreed, he knelt his head and prayed with me for the help to have him go pee and not get a catheter.  Again, he didn't pee and he ended up having to be held down while given a catheter.  He would cry so hard and I felt like a bad mom.  I had the faith that if it was the Lords will to remove this from him, he could have.  So I was confused, I was trying to teach my child the power of prayer knowing this could have been a teaching moment, but learned the teaching was for me.  I later asked my sister Amy, should I not have done that?  How do I explain this to him?  She said, yes, you can and should pray for things like this, with the knowledge that sometimes the answer is No, sometimes the answer is Yes and sometimes it is Not Yet.

 His test results were coming back good and he didn't need to be in the PICU. They told us we would be taking him to the neuro unit.  This seemed counterintuitive, because he appeared to be doing terrible.  As we wheeled him out of his intensive unit down the halls to a new room he yelled and cried out through the hall ways.  I remember my hand on the bed, helping steer it, feeling numb.  Thinking, he isn't doing better.

At this time my mom, sister and brother had to go, so they left.  I remember looking at them feeling so depressed, we all felt numb.

I sat in the room listening to him cry, trying to lay by him, but getting kicked out of the bed.  He would yell for me to leave.

I walked in to the hall way leaving him with the nurse and Jackson.  I was determined to go find Heavenly Father's love and comfort.  I decided if he wasn't coming to me, I would go find him!  I needed a room, alone where I could pour out my heart in prayer and feel of the warmth and comfort of his love encircle me.  I have felt it before and know this can happen, I felt that I needed that desperately right now.  I wanted so bad a signs that God was aware and we were being strengthened from the other side, because I knew I couldn't do this on my own.

I went straight to the parent rooms, where you can sleep.  This was in the middle of the day and the ONLY time that every single room was occupied!  They were all taken, still just as determined I set out to find somewhere to be alone.  I wandered the halls, going up and down the elevators.  As I was wandering, I ran into my husband also wandering.  His eyes were full of tears.  He hadn't left Hudson until this point, it was finally too much for him to handle.  We walked together, I told him I needed a room to go pray in.  He led me to an open sitting room upstairs that a man was playing a guitar, singing.  It was beautiful and calming.  Something I needed.  We sat in a chair next to each other in silence.  He finished playing and another man came in and played the piano.

We had family coming to visit and I had told my mom to not let anyone come, we were not doing well and not up for visitors.  Some timidly turned around and drove back home, but my two sisters were determined saying, "we are not going to leave her when she needs us most".  They entered the room and found us sitting there.  They never contacted us, I asked them how they new where we were, they didn't, they just came up to this floor level (completely different location from where we should be) and heard the music, then saw us. Amy had snacks that non of us ate, but they tried helping me eat, "just an almond at the least".
They had heard that we were staying away, so Tessa volunteered to go check on him so we didn't have to. We found out he had slept while we were gone (about an hour) but is waking now and asking for us; he is calm.  Jackson and I anxiously went back to him.

Tessa had dreamt all night about telling stories to Hudson.  In her dream she had told about amazing bike rides, bey blades and anything he would love.  When she woke up she remembered all of these stories and dreams, she told Amy about it and Amy said, "that is what you are supposed to do, you need to go tell him stories and I will walk the halls with Shandi.
Once they arrived it didn't look like this was going to happen, Hudson had slept and then she waited in the hall with Amy while Jackson and i went to the room hoping to be with him in a relaxed state. (they can only have 2 people in the room at a time)  So, my sisters thought, okay maybe not today.

Jackson and I entered the quiet room, but as soon as I tried talking with him, he began to get worked up again.  It felt as if I had no break at all.  We didn't know he had fallen asleep, so our anxiety never went down while out wandering and once we came back he was awake and miserable.  Right away he went back to crying and being mean.  I couldn't handle it.  In the room I thought "I need to go out and tell one of my sisters to come in here tell Hudson a story about Joseph Smith as a little boy, when he was in pain and his dad was able to hold him, and sit by him."  I turned around and headed out to the waiting room (having no idea Tess felt she was supposed to tell him stories)  I walked up to them and said, "one of you needs to go in and talk with him, maybe tell him the Joseph Smith story"  Amy turned to Tess, Tessa urgently stepped forward saying "that's me" and headed to his room.  This gave me such a release, knowing someone was in there with him, talking with him and helping him.  Amy and I sat and talked.  She had her baby (who somehow got past security) and we were able to talk through things.  (this is when I asked her how I teach Hudson about prayer and how it works)

About 45 minutes later Tessa came out.  She looked warn out and weary. He had been in a state of emotional distress the entire 45 minutes.  It is enough to make anyone break down.  It puts you to the brink.  But she was able to sit with him and tell him every amazing story she had dreamt up or thought of.

I look back and see that earlier that day, he had fallen asleep, giving us that next hour of release, then Tessa stepped in and gave us that next hour.