Part Two:Downs and Ups

The word was spreading fast through family and friends.  We started getting a flood of texts and phone calls of love, prayers and thoughts.  it was helpful to see the outpouring of concern for us.  People brought in food and gifts.  Even if we couldn't enjoy them at the time, every gift was brought with love, and we felt that.  The food and gifts surrounded us like a hug.  Hudson couldn't eat, therefore, I couldn't eat.  I wouldn't eat in front of him, because he wanted to so bad.  And even when I stepped out of the room, I couldn't swallow if I tried.  My family decided to fast this day for him.  After seeing how terrible he was doing my mom went home and sent out a family text.  Anyone that was willing, they were beginning a family fast.  An in-law had just finished playing basketball and resisted the urge to get a drink.  This was a sacrifice for each of them, but they all in their own way chose to do this for him.  That means so much to us.  My little sister Sierra came and others throughout the day; each of them would have food for me, trying to help me eat so I could feel better, but I just couldn't do it.  So I would offer my food to everyone, Jackson kept reminding me, they can't have it, they are fasting.
My little brother Kaden went in and talked with him, and showed him legos, my sister sat with him and then came into the waiting room and talked with me.  It had been enough hours that he would need another catheter if he didn't go pee again.  I asked Hudson if he wanted to pray for the help again and he said, "but mom, it didn't work last time" I said maybe if he said the prayer, it would work.  He agreed, he knelt his head and prayed with me for the help to have him go pee and not get a catheter.  Again, he didn't pee and he ended up having to be held down while given a catheter.  He would cry so hard and I felt like a bad mom.  I had the faith that if it was the Lords will to remove this from him, he could have.  So I was confused, I was trying to teach my child the power of prayer knowing this could have been a teaching moment, but learned the teaching was for me.  I later asked my sister Amy, should I not have done that?  How do I explain this to him?  She said, yes, you can and should pray for things like this, with the knowledge that sometimes the answer is No, sometimes the answer is Yes and sometimes it is Not Yet.

 His test results were coming back good and he didn't need to be in the PICU. They told us we would be taking him to the neuro unit.  This seemed counterintuitive, because he appeared to be doing terrible.  As we wheeled him out of his intensive unit down the halls to a new room he yelled and cried out through the hall ways.  I remember my hand on the bed, helping steer it, feeling numb.  Thinking, he isn't doing better.

At this time my mom, sister and brother had to go, so they left.  I remember looking at them feeling so depressed, we all felt numb.

I sat in the room listening to him cry, trying to lay by him, but getting kicked out of the bed.  He would yell for me to leave.

I walked in to the hall way leaving him with the nurse and Jackson.  I was determined to go find Heavenly Father's love and comfort.  I decided if he wasn't coming to me, I would go find him!  I needed a room, alone where I could pour out my heart in prayer and feel of the warmth and comfort of his love encircle me.  I have felt it before and know this can happen, I felt that I needed that desperately right now.  I wanted so bad a signs that God was aware and we were being strengthened from the other side, because I knew I couldn't do this on my own.

I went straight to the parent rooms, where you can sleep.  This was in the middle of the day and the ONLY time that every single room was occupied!  They were all taken, still just as determined I set out to find somewhere to be alone.  I wandered the halls, going up and down the elevators.  As I was wandering, I ran into my husband also wandering.  His eyes were full of tears.  He hadn't left Hudson until this point, it was finally too much for him to handle.  We walked together, I told him I needed a room to go pray in.  He led me to an open sitting room upstairs that a man was playing a guitar, singing.  It was beautiful and calming.  Something I needed.  We sat in a chair next to each other in silence.  He finished playing and another man came in and played the piano.

We had family coming to visit and I had told my mom to not let anyone come, we were not doing well and not up for visitors.  Some timidly turned around and drove back home, but my two sisters were determined saying, "we are not going to leave her when she needs us most".  They entered the room and found us sitting there.  They never contacted us, I asked them how they new where we were, they didn't, they just came up to this floor level (completely different location from where we should be) and heard the music, then saw us. Amy had snacks that non of us ate, but they tried helping me eat, "just an almond at the least".
They had heard that we were staying away, so Tessa volunteered to go check on him so we didn't have to. We found out he had slept while we were gone (about an hour) but is waking now and asking for us; he is calm.  Jackson and I anxiously went back to him.

Tessa had dreamt all night about telling stories to Hudson.  In her dream she had told about amazing bike rides, bey blades and anything he would love.  When she woke up she remembered all of these stories and dreams, she told Amy about it and Amy said, "that is what you are supposed to do, you need to go tell him stories and I will walk the halls with Shandi.
Once they arrived it didn't look like this was going to happen, Hudson had slept and then she waited in the hall with Amy while Jackson and i went to the room hoping to be with him in a relaxed state. (they can only have 2 people in the room at a time)  So, my sisters thought, okay maybe not today.

Jackson and I entered the quiet room, but as soon as I tried talking with him, he began to get worked up again.  It felt as if I had no break at all.  We didn't know he had fallen asleep, so our anxiety never went down while out wandering and once we came back he was awake and miserable.  Right away he went back to crying and being mean.  I couldn't handle it.  In the room I thought "I need to go out and tell one of my sisters to come in here tell Hudson a story about Joseph Smith as a little boy, when he was in pain and his dad was able to hold him, and sit by him."  I turned around and headed out to the waiting room (having no idea Tess felt she was supposed to tell him stories)  I walked up to them and said, "one of you needs to go in and talk with him, maybe tell him the Joseph Smith story"  Amy turned to Tess, Tessa urgently stepped forward saying "that's me" and headed to his room.  This gave me such a release, knowing someone was in there with him, talking with him and helping him.  Amy and I sat and talked.  She had her baby (who somehow got past security) and we were able to talk through things.  (this is when I asked her how I teach Hudson about prayer and how it works)

About 45 minutes later Tessa came out.  She looked warn out and weary. He had been in a state of emotional distress the entire 45 minutes.  It is enough to make anyone break down.  It puts you to the brink.  But she was able to sit with him and tell him every amazing story she had dreamt up or thought of.

I look back and see that earlier that day, he had fallen asleep, giving us that next hour of release, then Tessa stepped in and gave us that next hour.

Part One: Downs and Ups

I want to write about this next day before I forget how the events played out.  It is hard to write about. I am struggling to get through it, so this is going to be a multi series post:) It was a day that I learned a little more how God works.  I pray to know who he is and understand his mysteries, but this day taught me a concept I had seen and heard of through scriptural events, but never understood.  I will try and put it into words.

In the night he was precious and sweet, there was a beautiful peace about it, one that was inside of me.  I don't know when it happened, but the next day, it was gone.  We could all feel it, even my family could feel it.  During that night Hudson began to cry and cry hours on end.  He turned into a different person.  He would scream in pain, and frustration.  He wanted water, he wanted his neck brace off, he wanted me OUT, anything and everything that could set him off would.  He began to be defiant and difficult.  He would kick me and tell me I didn't love him.  His eyes looked unfocused.  I saw this and cried, hurting for him, and not knowing if this was some of the side affects of this accident.  Will he be changed?  Will his personality be different?  Is he a more angry person?  Will he always be more irritable?   It was still night when I heard them starting to move our neighbors, so they didn't have to be by us.  We were "those"  people, the family you don't want to be by because they are so loud and out of control.
The test results were coming back good, we weren't seeing anything more to be concerned of.  So, as I was getting this news I wanted to be grateful and happy, but didn't feel the comfort and peace I felt I needed.
My dad stopped by to visit early in the morning before going to work and saw me in tears and Hudson out of control.  This was disturbing for him, he is a doctor and has complete confidence in the primary children's staff.  (We are so grateful we live near such incredible facilities for children)  However, at this time it was hard for him to just sit and watch this happen, The nurse was explaining different meds that she thinks could help, even maybe an anti anxiety pill.  At this point I was wanting any and everything that could help.  She slowly explained what she might do and the entire time I am thinking, don't tell me, just DO!  I couldn't handle another moment of this!!  My dad couldn't sit by anymore, so he sternly put some urgency on the situation:)
They gave Hudson other meds and tried different things, but nothing was helping.  He would grab his head and scream, then throw up into his neck brace and cry.  This went on and on.  They then told us he could be in pain because he hadn't gone pee in more than a day and if he doesn't go, we will have to give him a catheter.  I prayed so hard, "Please help him go pee so he doesn't have to have a catheter!"  He is in so much pain, he has been through so much and doesn't need any more pain.  Please just help him not get a catheter.  I decided to have Hudson pray with me.  I thought maybe I can help teach him that I know God can answer prayers and hears us. So, we prayed together.  We gave it a few hours and nothing was happening. He then had to get the catheter.  He yelled out in pain as we held him to the bed.  I was so sad.  This whole day I talked with God, "I know you are there, but where are you?  I can't feel you."
My mom came to visit.  I couldn't handle being in the room any more at this time, so I left.  I went into the sitting room.  I sat in there and cried and prayed.  There were others in the room.  I sat in a corner and asked Heavenly Father to allow my mom's deceased dad to be there with them in the room.  Words can't describe how hard it was to endure being with him like this for even ten minutes.  It was so hard to sit next to him feeling so helpless.  There was nothing we could do to calm him or take away his pain.  It sounds terrible, but at this point I felt an induced coma would be much better than this.  My mom being there was the beginning of events that took place this entire day.  I didn't think I could get through one more minute of this, and didn't know how I was going to make it through the next hour. The entire day I sent out frustrated prayers, while I was in the moment it was hard to see and recognize his hand.  However, looking back I can see how I was sustained moment to moment.

My mom was able to sit with him and give me that release.  I can't speak for my husband or Hudson, but I like to think, as I explain how I got relief from the moments that became unbearable, I believe that they were also, in different ways given relief.  I can only tell how I was held up moment to moment.  I did see that through this Jackson was given extraordinary amounts of strength, he amazed me the way he handled the situation.  He had a quiet, strength that came from within and was able to endure really well.  I fell apart on the other hand.  I wasn't given strength, but I was given angels, people in my life to come in at the right moment and carry me.