I want to write about this next day before I forget how the events played out. It is hard to write about. I am struggling to get through it, so this is going to be a multi series post:) It was a day that I learned a little more how God works. I pray to know who he is and understand his mysteries, but this day taught me a concept I had seen and heard of through scriptural events, but never understood. I will try and put it into words.
In the night he was precious and sweet, there was a beautiful peace about it, one that was inside of me. I don't know when it happened, but the next day, it was gone. We could all feel it, even my family could feel it. During that night Hudson began to cry and cry hours on end. He turned into a different person. He would scream in pain, and frustration. He wanted water, he wanted his neck brace off, he wanted me OUT, anything and everything that could set him off would. He began to be defiant and difficult. He would kick me and tell me I didn't love him. His eyes looked unfocused. I saw this and cried, hurting for him, and not knowing if this was some of the side affects of this accident. Will he be changed? Will his personality be different? Is he a more angry person? Will he always be more irritable? It was still night when I heard them starting to move our neighbors, so they didn't have to be by us. We were "those" people, the family you don't want to be by because they are so loud and out of control.
The test results were coming back good, we weren't seeing anything more to be concerned of. So, as I was getting this news I wanted to be grateful and happy, but didn't feel the comfort and peace I felt I needed.
My dad stopped by to visit early in the morning before going to work and saw me in tears and Hudson out of control. This was disturbing for him, he is a doctor and has complete confidence in the primary children's staff. (We are so grateful we live near such incredible facilities for children) However, at this time it was hard for him to just sit and watch this happen, The nurse was explaining different meds that she thinks could help, even maybe an anti anxiety pill. At this point I was wanting any and everything that could help. She slowly explained what she might do and the entire time I am thinking, don't tell me, just DO! I couldn't handle another moment of this!! My dad couldn't sit by anymore, so he sternly put some urgency on the situation:)
They gave Hudson other meds and tried different things, but nothing was helping. He would grab his head and scream, then throw up into his neck brace and cry. This went on and on. They then told us he could be in pain because he hadn't gone pee in more than a day and if he doesn't go, we will have to give him a catheter. I prayed so hard, "Please help him go pee so he doesn't have to have a catheter!" He is in so much pain, he has been through so much and doesn't need any more pain. Please just help him not get a catheter. I decided to have Hudson pray with me. I thought maybe I can help teach him that I know God can answer prayers and hears us. So, we prayed together. We gave it a few hours and nothing was happening. He then had to get the catheter. He yelled out in pain as we held him to the bed. I was so sad. This whole day I talked with God, "I know you are there, but where are you? I can't feel you."
My mom came to visit. I couldn't handle being in the room any more at this time, so I left. I went into the sitting room. I sat in there and cried and prayed. There were others in the room. I sat in a corner and asked Heavenly Father to allow my mom's deceased dad to be there with them in the room. Words can't describe how hard it was to endure being with him like this for even ten minutes. It was so hard to sit next to him feeling so helpless. There was nothing we could do to calm him or take away his pain. It sounds terrible, but at this point I felt an induced coma would be much better than this. My mom being there was the beginning of events that took place this entire day. I didn't think I could get through one more minute of this, and didn't know how I was going to make it through the next hour. The entire day I sent out frustrated prayers, while I was in the moment it was hard to see and recognize his hand. However, looking back I can see how I was sustained moment to moment.
My mom was able to sit with him and give me that release. I can't speak for my husband or Hudson, but I like to think, as I explain how I got relief from the moments that became unbearable, I believe that they were also, in different ways given relief. I can only tell how I was held up moment to moment. I did see that through this Jackson was given extraordinary amounts of strength, he amazed me the way he handled the situation. He had a quiet, strength that came from within and was able to endure really well. I fell apart on the other hand. I wasn't given strength, but I was given angels, people in my life to come in at the right moment and carry me.
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