Part 4: Downs and ups

At that time, I wondered why Heavenly Father waited to give me that peace that I felt I needed so desperately.  Why did I have to go through so much frustration and anguish?  I was willing to do anything to recieve it, but it wasn't coming.
Looking back I realize that the anguish and misery created an undeniable contrast from when the peace and comfort came.  I believe Heavenly Father was showing me that through his hand and only by him is Hudson going to be okay.  This was a miracle and he didn't want me to easily dismiss it as luck, coincidence or anything else.  I know that Heavenly Father wanted Hudson to be calm, peaceful and happy, but it is only through him that we could receive that.
Had Hudson been calm and good all along the way, maybe I would have taken it for granted.

Looking at how this came together, my mom reminded me of the story in the bible,
Gideon had to defeat the Midianites.  The Midianites had so many people in their army that it is described as "like grasshoppers for multitude' and their camels were without number, as the sand by the sea for multitude." (Judges 7:12)
Gideon was told by the Lord to take his army down to 300 men!
Judges 7: 2 And the Lord said unto Gideon, The people that are with thee are too many for me to give the Midianites into their hands, lest Israel vaunt themselves against me, saying, Mine own hand hath saved me.  
He didn't want it to be a question in any ones mind that it is by the hand of the Lord and only through the hand of the Lord that Gideon's army of 300 were able to defeat the Midianites.  

Sometimes it is hard to recognize the Lord's hand in my life, but looking back on situations I can see how and why it came together the way it did.  I hope that I can always see and recognize his hand in my life.

Part 3: Downs and Ups

Here are pictures of the toys that our close friends were able to bring, giving us some distraciton from his misery.

When Tessa came in I didn't feel strong enough to go back, but knew I needed to.  I said good bye to my sister's and thought to myself; I don't know how I am going to make it through the rest of today, let alone the next ten minutes.

When I was saying good bye to my sisters, a good friend of ours came in to the waiting room.  He had tears coming down his face and two large baskets full of items.  He said, "I heard your little boy in there and didn't want to impose, but I know Jackson is in there with him, will you let him know I came?"  He had gotten a glimpse of what we were going through, it was so disturbing it would bring anyone to tears.

We hugged, I thanked him and took the baskets, then headed down the hall to re-enter the room.  As I came up to the room Jackson was sitting by the bed and he motioned for me to not come in, because I may disturb them.  He was doing...okay. At least not freaking out.  I debated whether to let him throw fits while not being disturbed, in hopes that he would fall asleep.  Or go in and distract him from his misery.  (almost impossible to do)  I decided to try and show him these cool baskets full of stuff.  I walked in and said, "Hudson, look what your friends brought!"  It got his attention.  He was able to sit and be distracted by all this stuff we were able to go through and look at.  These baskets again gave us a moment of release from this hard time.

He was still throwing up, still crying and still trying to rip his neck brace off.  Specialists would come in to try and give him the test that he had to pass in order to get it off.  He didn't seem close. He would cry in pain when they would touch certain areas and he couldn't turn his head to the right.  Sometimes they came in when he was in a fit and unable to even reason with him so he couldn't try and pass the test.  Other times he just flat out didn't pass.  Once he tried saying all the right things so he could get it off, like "no that doesn't hurt"  While wincing in pain.

This day just carried such a heavy feeling about it.  I remember leaning over the bed while he tossed and turned, moaning and groaning.  This is when Jackson's boss and wife arrived.  We have become great friends.  It was so kind of them to show up.  They could see we were struggling so they stayed in the hall and didn't stay long, but they gave a present to Hudson, and gave him one to give to Korv and Oaklie.  Again, these presents gave us a little more time for distraction.  We went through them, played with them and talked about how much fun it will be to give them to his siblings.

He continued to be miserable, I had more moments when I had to just walk out of the room and leave.  One time I left for a little while, but when I came back the feeling of peace and comfort was so undeniably strong I could physically feel the difference.  I walked in to a quiet, peaceful room.  I turned to Jackson and asked what happened.  He said he just calmed down, so they came in and gave him the neck brace test and he PASSED. This was huge, it had been such a great source of discomfort.  It had seemed impossible that he would pass.  I did not know how and why this change of events was so drastic, what changed?

I texted my mom, elated..."mom he is CALM."  Then  a moment later, "mom, he got his neck brace off!!!"  Jackson and I had large smiles on our faces that we couldn't remove.  It wasn't just that he was calm or just that his neck brace was off, there was a feeling that you can't get any other way, but through the spirit.  The spirit was so strong and present and it's what I had been wanting and searching for, it had finally come.
I had no concept of time, but my mom made me aware that at the same time I was sending texts letting her know Hudson is doing remarkable, she was receiving texts from each of my siblings saying, "I just broke my fast".  It was 5:00 PM
The power of fast is REAL, I have an even stronger testimony of it through this experience.  I am so thankful for that tool that we are given from our Heavenly Father.

This was an incredible experince, to see the power of fasting.

Jordy came to hang out with him.  This is when he had just calmed down enough for them to come in and do the tests to get his neck brace off.

Finally, our first SMILE!!  That brought Jackson and I soo much joy.  Just that sweet smile meant the world to us.

BY ELDER SHAYNE M. BOWEN

Of the Seventy

"Fasting is a principle of power. It changes lives.

Fasting invites enlightenment and the companionship of the Holy Ghost.....

As we better understand and use this tool as Father in Heaven intended, it will change our lives. We will then be able to go to the Lord in confidence and call down the powers of heaven."

Part Two:Downs and Ups

The word was spreading fast through family and friends.  We started getting a flood of texts and phone calls of love, prayers and thoughts.  it was helpful to see the outpouring of concern for us.  People brought in food and gifts.  Even if we couldn't enjoy them at the time, every gift was brought with love, and we felt that.  The food and gifts surrounded us like a hug.  Hudson couldn't eat, therefore, I couldn't eat.  I wouldn't eat in front of him, because he wanted to so bad.  And even when I stepped out of the room, I couldn't swallow if I tried.  My family decided to fast this day for him.  After seeing how terrible he was doing my mom went home and sent out a family text.  Anyone that was willing, they were beginning a family fast.  An in-law had just finished playing basketball and resisted the urge to get a drink.  This was a sacrifice for each of them, but they all in their own way chose to do this for him.  That means so much to us.  My little sister Sierra came and others throughout the day; each of them would have food for me, trying to help me eat so I could feel better, but I just couldn't do it.  So I would offer my food to everyone, Jackson kept reminding me, they can't have it, they are fasting.
My little brother Kaden went in and talked with him, and showed him legos, my sister sat with him and then came into the waiting room and talked with me.  It had been enough hours that he would need another catheter if he didn't go pee again.  I asked Hudson if he wanted to pray for the help again and he said, "but mom, it didn't work last time" I said maybe if he said the prayer, it would work.  He agreed, he knelt his head and prayed with me for the help to have him go pee and not get a catheter.  Again, he didn't pee and he ended up having to be held down while given a catheter.  He would cry so hard and I felt like a bad mom.  I had the faith that if it was the Lords will to remove this from him, he could have.  So I was confused, I was trying to teach my child the power of prayer knowing this could have been a teaching moment, but learned the teaching was for me.  I later asked my sister Amy, should I not have done that?  How do I explain this to him?  She said, yes, you can and should pray for things like this, with the knowledge that sometimes the answer is No, sometimes the answer is Yes and sometimes it is Not Yet.

 His test results were coming back good and he didn't need to be in the PICU. They told us we would be taking him to the neuro unit.  This seemed counterintuitive, because he appeared to be doing terrible.  As we wheeled him out of his intensive unit down the halls to a new room he yelled and cried out through the hall ways.  I remember my hand on the bed, helping steer it, feeling numb.  Thinking, he isn't doing better.

At this time my mom, sister and brother had to go, so they left.  I remember looking at them feeling so depressed, we all felt numb.

I sat in the room listening to him cry, trying to lay by him, but getting kicked out of the bed.  He would yell for me to leave.

I walked in to the hall way leaving him with the nurse and Jackson.  I was determined to go find Heavenly Father's love and comfort.  I decided if he wasn't coming to me, I would go find him!  I needed a room, alone where I could pour out my heart in prayer and feel of the warmth and comfort of his love encircle me.  I have felt it before and know this can happen, I felt that I needed that desperately right now.  I wanted so bad a signs that God was aware and we were being strengthened from the other side, because I knew I couldn't do this on my own.

I went straight to the parent rooms, where you can sleep.  This was in the middle of the day and the ONLY time that every single room was occupied!  They were all taken, still just as determined I set out to find somewhere to be alone.  I wandered the halls, going up and down the elevators.  As I was wandering, I ran into my husband also wandering.  His eyes were full of tears.  He hadn't left Hudson until this point, it was finally too much for him to handle.  We walked together, I told him I needed a room to go pray in.  He led me to an open sitting room upstairs that a man was playing a guitar, singing.  It was beautiful and calming.  Something I needed.  We sat in a chair next to each other in silence.  He finished playing and another man came in and played the piano.

We had family coming to visit and I had told my mom to not let anyone come, we were not doing well and not up for visitors.  Some timidly turned around and drove back home, but my two sisters were determined saying, "we are not going to leave her when she needs us most".  They entered the room and found us sitting there.  They never contacted us, I asked them how they new where we were, they didn't, they just came up to this floor level (completely different location from where we should be) and heard the music, then saw us. Amy had snacks that non of us ate, but they tried helping me eat, "just an almond at the least".
They had heard that we were staying away, so Tessa volunteered to go check on him so we didn't have to. We found out he had slept while we were gone (about an hour) but is waking now and asking for us; he is calm.  Jackson and I anxiously went back to him.

Tessa had dreamt all night about telling stories to Hudson.  In her dream she had told about amazing bike rides, bey blades and anything he would love.  When she woke up she remembered all of these stories and dreams, she told Amy about it and Amy said, "that is what you are supposed to do, you need to go tell him stories and I will walk the halls with Shandi.
Once they arrived it didn't look like this was going to happen, Hudson had slept and then she waited in the hall with Amy while Jackson and i went to the room hoping to be with him in a relaxed state. (they can only have 2 people in the room at a time)  So, my sisters thought, okay maybe not today.

Jackson and I entered the quiet room, but as soon as I tried talking with him, he began to get worked up again.  It felt as if I had no break at all.  We didn't know he had fallen asleep, so our anxiety never went down while out wandering and once we came back he was awake and miserable.  Right away he went back to crying and being mean.  I couldn't handle it.  In the room I thought "I need to go out and tell one of my sisters to come in here tell Hudson a story about Joseph Smith as a little boy, when he was in pain and his dad was able to hold him, and sit by him."  I turned around and headed out to the waiting room (having no idea Tess felt she was supposed to tell him stories)  I walked up to them and said, "one of you needs to go in and talk with him, maybe tell him the Joseph Smith story"  Amy turned to Tess, Tessa urgently stepped forward saying "that's me" and headed to his room.  This gave me such a release, knowing someone was in there with him, talking with him and helping him.  Amy and I sat and talked.  She had her baby (who somehow got past security) and we were able to talk through things.  (this is when I asked her how I teach Hudson about prayer and how it works)

About 45 minutes later Tessa came out.  She looked warn out and weary. He had been in a state of emotional distress the entire 45 minutes.  It is enough to make anyone break down.  It puts you to the brink.  But she was able to sit with him and tell him every amazing story she had dreamt up or thought of.

I look back and see that earlier that day, he had fallen asleep, giving us that next hour of release, then Tessa stepped in and gave us that next hour.

Part One: Downs and Ups

I want to write about this next day before I forget how the events played out.  It is hard to write about. I am struggling to get through it, so this is going to be a multi series post:) It was a day that I learned a little more how God works.  I pray to know who he is and understand his mysteries, but this day taught me a concept I had seen and heard of through scriptural events, but never understood.  I will try and put it into words.

In the night he was precious and sweet, there was a beautiful peace about it, one that was inside of me.  I don't know when it happened, but the next day, it was gone.  We could all feel it, even my family could feel it.  During that night Hudson began to cry and cry hours on end.  He turned into a different person.  He would scream in pain, and frustration.  He wanted water, he wanted his neck brace off, he wanted me OUT, anything and everything that could set him off would.  He began to be defiant and difficult.  He would kick me and tell me I didn't love him.  His eyes looked unfocused.  I saw this and cried, hurting for him, and not knowing if this was some of the side affects of this accident.  Will he be changed?  Will his personality be different?  Is he a more angry person?  Will he always be more irritable?   It was still night when I heard them starting to move our neighbors, so they didn't have to be by us.  We were "those"  people, the family you don't want to be by because they are so loud and out of control.
The test results were coming back good, we weren't seeing anything more to be concerned of.  So, as I was getting this news I wanted to be grateful and happy, but didn't feel the comfort and peace I felt I needed.
My dad stopped by to visit early in the morning before going to work and saw me in tears and Hudson out of control.  This was disturbing for him, he is a doctor and has complete confidence in the primary children's staff.  (We are so grateful we live near such incredible facilities for children)  However, at this time it was hard for him to just sit and watch this happen, The nurse was explaining different meds that she thinks could help, even maybe an anti anxiety pill.  At this point I was wanting any and everything that could help.  She slowly explained what she might do and the entire time I am thinking, don't tell me, just DO!  I couldn't handle another moment of this!!  My dad couldn't sit by anymore, so he sternly put some urgency on the situation:)
They gave Hudson other meds and tried different things, but nothing was helping.  He would grab his head and scream, then throw up into his neck brace and cry.  This went on and on.  They then told us he could be in pain because he hadn't gone pee in more than a day and if he doesn't go, we will have to give him a catheter.  I prayed so hard, "Please help him go pee so he doesn't have to have a catheter!"  He is in so much pain, he has been through so much and doesn't need any more pain.  Please just help him not get a catheter.  I decided to have Hudson pray with me.  I thought maybe I can help teach him that I know God can answer prayers and hears us. So, we prayed together.  We gave it a few hours and nothing was happening. He then had to get the catheter.  He yelled out in pain as we held him to the bed.  I was so sad.  This whole day I talked with God, "I know you are there, but where are you?  I can't feel you."
My mom came to visit.  I couldn't handle being in the room any more at this time, so I left.  I went into the sitting room.  I sat in there and cried and prayed.  There were others in the room.  I sat in a corner and asked Heavenly Father to allow my mom's deceased dad to be there with them in the room.  Words can't describe how hard it was to endure being with him like this for even ten minutes.  It was so hard to sit next to him feeling so helpless.  There was nothing we could do to calm him or take away his pain.  It sounds terrible, but at this point I felt an induced coma would be much better than this.  My mom being there was the beginning of events that took place this entire day.  I didn't think I could get through one more minute of this, and didn't know how I was going to make it through the next hour. The entire day I sent out frustrated prayers, while I was in the moment it was hard to see and recognize his hand.  However, looking back I can see how I was sustained moment to moment.

My mom was able to sit with him and give me that release.  I can't speak for my husband or Hudson, but I like to think, as I explain how I got relief from the moments that became unbearable, I believe that they were also, in different ways given relief.  I can only tell how I was held up moment to moment.  I did see that through this Jackson was given extraordinary amounts of strength, he amazed me the way he handled the situation.  He had a quiet, strength that came from within and was able to endure really well.  I fell apart on the other hand.  I wasn't given strength, but I was given angels, people in my life to come in at the right moment and carry me.

Night in the PICU

This night, Hudson needed to be checked every hour.  Jackson tried to sleep in the chair, and I climbed in bed with Hudson.  I went to sleep at midnight and tried to sleep until 3 in the morning.  In that amount of time, he threw up on me 3 times and was woken up every hour to check vitals.  The crazy thing about this is, I felt as though I had slept a good long night.  (another thing I would consider a tender mercy)  Although I couldn't get the sleep I needed, I was given the feeling of rest and strength.
I know that sometimes Heavenly Father doesn't take the trial from us, but we are given the strength and capacity to get through it.
 Hudson would cry for water, but all we could give him was a tiny sponge with a little water on it about once every hour.  It was hard to see him so miserable.  At this time, he would cry and moan, but he was sweet and quiet.  I woke up with him at 3 AM and we read together.  I showed him books and talked with him.  He wanted to color out at the table, but he was connected to many chords and his neck brace made it hard to look down.  He also had things taped to his fingers so he couldn't hold crayons.  We pulled a lap table over, but he couldn't color.  This upset him, but he was able to do a sticker book with me.  This was a very special time with him.  His voice was raspy and soft and he didn't smile yet, but he was tender and sweet.  I don't want to forget this time with him.

Tender Mercies

When the Bishop came, he came with his cute wife who has also become on of my friends.  She brought a pad of paper with (okay, can't remember the saying) something on the front that means, notice the blessings around you.  She said it would be good to write the things down where you can see the Lord's hand at work.  I appreciated this, because although I had no time to write anything in the hospital, it was in the front of my mind to notice and remember the tender mercies of God amidst the struggles.  I realize sometimes they are harder to see when you are in it, but looking back they are there all along the way.
One blessing, I knew was a gift from God is, the day before this happened I had decided to not clean or workout, or do any of my regular routines.  I wanted to focus on the kids.  I knew Jacks and I would be leaving on business in the next couple weeks and wanted to create time for the kids.  I like packing early, so I can use the time before I leave focusing on them. I had been having a feeling for a couple of weeks "notice Hudson".  So that morning, I said "okay Hudson, it's your day, I will do whatever you want.  We can play any game or any activity, you pick."  He chose to play basketball in our basement (no shock) Normally, he can play with Korv or by himself while I work out, but today I played:)  He beet me, and kept tabs by writing it on a paper, it was darling.  He put me and Korv on a team against him.  He told us how many points each shot was and if something we did was against the rules, also putting foul shots in place.  We had a good time and played for a long time, and then I was ready to go get ready for the day, but Korv said it was his turn, so I said "okay I can give you ten minutes" (I realize even ten minutes goes a LONG way with children and playing with them)  He picked "lazer tag"  I had a nerf gun, Korv used a fake gun and Hudson had a nerf gun.  We had to hide, then jump out, run around and pretend to shoot each other:)  It was pretty funny.
I then let them know we had a picnic in the kitchen today, so they needed to go find blankets to lay out on the kitchen floor.  I got ready and then we had our PB&J picnic.  Just putting it on a blanket made it exciting in our home.  Hudson then went to school, but right when he got home, I took him with the other two to wheeler farms, to walk around and see the animals.
I had wanted to finish packing this day, but instead I spent the entire day with the kids, something you can never regret.  Normally I do floors on wednesday, and bathrooms on thursday, none of this got done, and in the hospital I was so grateful that I had not spent my time doing that.  I waited until all the kids were asleep, and then I went and finished packing.

David A. Bednar  (Tender Mercies of the Lord, April 2005)
"the Lord’s tender mercies are the very personal and individualized blessings, strength, protection, assurances, guidance, loving-kindnesses, consolation, support, and spiritual gifts which we receive from and because of and through the Lord Jesus Christ. Truly, the Lord suits “his mercies according to the conditions of the children of men” (D&C 46:15). -

"I testify that the tender mercies of the Lord are real and that they do not occur randomly or merely by coincidence. Often, the Lord’s timing of His tender mercies helps us to both discern and acknowledge them."

Friends and Family

After we got into his room in the PICU, Jackson's dad and my mom arrived.  Jackson and his dad were able to give him a priesthood blessing along with Patrick and Ryan.  My mom and I stood by straining to hear what he was saying, but unable to hardly hear a thing.  So I asked him how he felt, Jackson said he felt good about it.  That didn't give me the peace and knowledge I was hoping for, just cause I couldn't tell what was said.  But I was glad he had at least received a blessing.  I asked for one for myself and they gave me one.  Very short and sweet, blessing me with peace and comfort.  Again not much information, but much needed.
Jackson's mom was able to go get my kids from the neighbors and take care of them.  This was so nice to have them taken care of for as long as was needed.  Friends of mine just wanted to do something, to help, one told me she kept saying "I need to go get her kids!"  Everyone felt so helpless.  Her husband said,"you are going to go take them from their grandma?"  We joked that she said "yes, yes I am" everyone just wanted to DO something, but at this time there wasn't much any of us could do.

The nursing staff was very strict that we could only have two in the room at a time.  So even Jackson and I would have to step out to allow some people to get to see him.  One time the nurse took me on a tour of the area to show me how to get around.  They had a snack station...that's all I remember.  I am bad with directions and knew I would be all turned around any way.  So, I just cried the whole time and asked her what I can expect from this.  She assured me that some children can have a full recovery and that he is looking good.  Doctor's let me know, even if he comes out whole, they can't predict whether this can affect if he "will get a B in science rather than an A".  Hmmm not so comforting, I know how hard it is to know what the repercussions are, you can't see from an image or a picture if there will be side affects that are unforeseen. (not so comforting)
Family started pouring in to see him; we literally had a waiting room full of immediate family:)  They are so awesome.  Mine and Jackson's brother's and sisters, in-laws mom's and Dad's.  Patrick brought deluxe donuts for all of them to have.  We had to switch out to have people see him, but I think it was comforting and therapeutic for everyone to be together.  So much love poured in, along with food and prayers.  Hudson had complained of being hungry and thirsty since we were on the helicopter, the poor thing couldn't eat until we knew he wouldn't have to go to surgery.  So he cried for food and drink but we couldn't let him, he also was continuing to throw up into his neck brace.
Jackson and I began recieving dozens of texts at a time, we didn't have time to read them, but it meant sooo much to see how many people were thinking of us and praying for us!!
That evening after everyone was gone the bishop of our ward along with his wife, arrived with a bag (humongous bag!!) full of items the ward had gathered for us.  It had everything from books, magazines, nail polish, healthy food and yummy snacks, money for gas and notes from little friends of Hudson's.  This brought in such a feeling of love and support.  We couldn't believe how many people were aware and willing to help.  How do we thank everyone??  We just wanted to tell everyone how much this meant to us.  Words cant express.